Embracing the Waiting
I used to have a solid “journaling” practice. Or maybe it was more of a mindful writing practice? Each night, before bed, I would make three lists. The first list was five things I was grateful for that day. The second list was my biggest aspirations/goals in life. And the third list was affirmations I used to ground and guide me. Often, on the next page, I would write out a prayer or a meditation; whatever was on my heart that I needed to release before going to sleep.
When my husband and I got COVID last month, my practice fell to the wayside. Some nights I was too tired to even brush my teeth. Filling multiple notebook pages was not on the agenda. And I don’t know about you, but once I fall out of a habit, it is hard for me to get back, no matter how well established I thought it was.
With my birthday this past weekend I thought, “Okay Victoria, now’s the time. Jump back on the bike. You. Can. Do. This.” I realized how much I missed the spiritual practice, the connection with God. And how much worse I slept when I kept all my worries rolling around in my brain at night. So last night I pulled out my notebook and listed my gratitudes, my goals, and some affirmations. And on the next page, I wrote a heartfelt prayer. I was almost in tears as I wrote, practically begging God to show me the way. To help me see what this period of waiting is for.
While the period of waiting I’m referring to is the journey to try to have a baby, it can apply to anything. Waiting on a home. Waiting to meet “the one.” Waiting for a diagnosis. Waiting for next steps. Waiting to hear back from your dream job. All of us experience moments in life where we are waiting, our life seemingly paused until something happens.
In my role as a hospital chaplain, I make sure to include many pauses in my day. I pause before walking into a patient’s room, grounding myself to the moment. I pause in conversations, allowing silence, not pressuring anyone in the room to speak. I pause before I leave, ensuring needs have been spoken. And as I wrote last night I wondered if this season of my life is one big pause. A time to embrace waiting. Knowing that something is on the horizon, in a “now and not yet” sort of way.
So, what do you do when a pause happens? When you’re asking questions and being told “not yet.”? I try to focus on the things that are happening, the moments in life that are still moving forward, even if everything else feels like it is at a standstill. I’m in an internship that is teaching me so much. I am growing in my relationships with people. I am growing in my understanding of myself, developing and befriending self-awareness. I’m making sustainable changes that don’t just serve me now, but will serve me long into the future. So much is happening, even when it feels like nothing.
What are you waiting for? Where are you feeling like life has come to a pause?
“God, I’m feeling lost and unsure. The waiting feels so heavy sometimes -devoid of light and joy. It’s hard to make plans or look forward…Is this a challenge to live in the present? To be fully present in what is happening now? I want to be intentional. How can I implement that work of the Spirit? …For now, please guide me and ground me in your story, your being, your time. May I feel your love and mercy pour out, flowing like a river in my life.
I love you.”