The Birth of Bean
Someone reached seven months old yesterday. I figured now is as good time as any to share his birth story. This is my memory of the birth story as it happened. The story is mostly written as a captioned version of my verbal retelling, I didn’t dive into editing. Have I forgotten things over the last seven months? Absolutely. However, what I’ve included here are the pieces of the story that have continued to stand out.
Somewhere around 36 weeks we made the decision to schedule an induction for 39 weeks. This was due to a combination of factors, including the gestational diabetes, as well as my mental health and the anxiety I had in Pregnancy After Loss Support. After I reached 34 weeks, something that for a long time was the milestone to reach, I began to worry a lot whether baby would be safer outside vs inside. A lot of this concern was fueled by my anxiety and the fact that I had to start insulin and increase the dose every few days.
The induction was scheduled for Wednesday, December 21st at 8am. At my 38-week appointment the week I had another BPP and NST where they confirmed the Bean was safe and healthy inside me and looking good for whenever labor happened. The whole time I prayed Bean would come on their own, however, having the “eviction date” set helped my anxiety. In the days before the induction, I saw my acupuncturist, who did some points to help my body be prepared for labor, and the chiropractor, to help with the joint pain I was having.
The week the induction was scheduled we had family flying from Texas so they could be here to meet the baby and be around the house to help with all the things after the baby arrived. The plan was that on Wednesday we would go to the hospital see where things were at and then start the induction process, whatever that would look like. When you have a scheduled induction, the Labor and Delivery unit asks that you call ahead to confirm there is an open room. When I called, they told me labor and delivery had been super full and they could reassess after shift change and doctors did their morning rounds. We understood this was a possibility, our only concern was that that was a blizzard on the way and we didn’t want to have to drive to the hospital in the blizzard if we didn’t need to. After some back-and-forth with the hospital as well as my doctor, we move the induction to be the next day, December 22. We spent the rest of the day waiting for the snow and watching a movie.
On December 22, it was the same thing where I was supposed to call before my scheduled time. This time we had gotten several inches of snow overnight, so James went out to shovel in the morning while I stayed inside and prepared to head into the hospital. Again, I called when I was told to and again, I was told that things were pretty busy, but they knew they had some families discharging after rounds in the morning. I called again a couple hours later, and they said they could get me in if I came “now.” I told them that I lived an hour away and she said, “I would get in your car and start driving then.” So, we all got in the cars and started the drive from Elk River down to Maplewood. While there was snow on the roads, MNDOT had taken care of most of it, so the drive wasn’t nearly as harrowing as it could have been.
Arriving to the hospital!
Once we got to the hospital, James dropped me off at the door so I could get checked in, reserving a spot in labor and delivery, while he parked our car and grandpa parked the car with the visitors. After being show to our room we took time to unpack and make ourselves comfortable, I knew that we could be there for several days. Then the nurse came in and we went over all my intake info – meds, demographics, health history, etc. She also said she had read our birth preferences and wanted to confirm some details from that. I was really excited to see she had taken the time to get to know our preferences and talk about how she was excited to support us, as well as share ideas that she had on non-medicinal support measures.
We texted our doula, Jillian, to let her know that we had been admitted and were waiting for Dr. Carson to come by to come by to come up with a game plan. Up to this point in pregnancy, I had declined cervical exams. I knew they were going to make me really anxious with my history of trauma and that they don’t predict anything about when labor might start. When Dr. Carson arrived, we had an informed consent discussion about performing the exam to help understand if I was dilated or what my cervix was doing. This information would help us make the most informed plan on how to proceed with the induction. James remained right by my side and was very comforting as the exam took place and we found out that I was not dilated, but had started to efface. Another discussion took place where we discussed induction options, and we agreed that cytotec was the best option for where I was at. We got the first round started, which was one pill, around 1pm on December 22.
The wireless monitor, Monica. Unfortunately it didn’t work for me, but we gave it several good tries.
After that, we hung out, got my IV started, watched part of the Land Before Time, colored, and socialized with family. This was really the time to wait and see how my body responded to the medication and what would happen if it did. That evening, one of my best friends, Mollie, came by the hospital and brought some fresh baked gluten-free cookies and muffins, which I had been craving for weeks, but was unable to have because of my gestational diabetes and because food in general was just kind of a difficult thing to keep down.
That evening I also had a really great conversation with our nurse about my desire to avoid an epidural and just talking about some of my trauma history. She knew I’d been a doula and gently reminded me that even if you’ve “done the work,” trauma can resurface during labor and delivery because that's just the way our brains and bodies are connected. She reminded me that this was my labor and my birth and that I got to decide what I wanted and when I wanted it. After understanding my concerns about an epidural, she told me I could ask for one, have them start the medicine, see if it worked, and then have it stopped if I didn’t want it. She also told me that if at any point I decided that proceeding with a vaginal birth was too traumatic, that I could ask for a C-section. I will forever be grateful to her for really working to understand where my mind was that so that she knew how to best support me and pass that information along to the other nurses that would be working with us during our stay.
I saved this image from the ELCA Facebook page before going to bed on December 22, 2022.
By the time shift change came around in the evening, we decided that it was a good time to go to bed. I had been having contractions for weeks that were visible on the monitor but that I couldn’t really feel. At this point they were more regular than they had been, but I still wasn’t feeling anything. Sometime around 2am on December 23rd I started to feel some cramping and I let the nurse know. I didn’t bother to wake up James because it wasn’t anything that was really distracting me, just kind of something happening in the background, kind of like menstrual cramps. Around 4:30 I got up to go to the bathroom and once I got out of the bed, I realized that these were more like contractions versus cramps because they were a little bit rhythmic in their timing. Again, I let the nurse know that this was happening and decided I was going to stand for a little while giving my back a break from being in bed. If you know you know, sometimes you just can’t get comfortable sitting or lying down at the end of pregnancy.
Just as I was ready to get back into the bed, my water broke with a huge splash. I remember kind of whisper shouting at James to wake up and said something like “Uhhh, James you might want to get up now.” And he kind of grumbled back at me. I responded with a little more urgency, “Because my water just broke!” And he sprung up from the couch bed.
When I looked down, I could see here that there was meconium in my water. I knew this meant there would likely be extra monitoring, extra concern about an extended labor, and extra people in the room when Bean was born. I also paged for the nurse immediately to let her know that my water had broke, and that there was meconium present so that she could get that charted and make all the notes that she needed to.
As soon as my water broke, the contractions I was having definitely got more intense, since there was no longer a nice bag of fluid to cushion them. As James said in a message to my girlfriends, “There’s no confusion about what is a contraction anymore.” I continued to ride the waves of the contractions, trying to find a position that was both comfortable for me and that didn’t cause problems so with the external fetal monitor. At this point, it’s around 5:30 in the morning, and we had been mostly attached to the wired monitor. There was one previous attempt to try the wireless, Monica, monitor, but we could never get one of the leads to work. Luckily, the monitor I had had a battery pack, so I could move around the room pretty freely.
I was laboring at the bed, kind of swaying back-and-forth, trying to breathe with the contractions. I think at this point I had put on my more calming/meditative playlist that I had made for my birth. However, at some point I had to go to the bathroom again, so I went in, did my business, and realized that contractions were more intense. It was taking more of my attention to get through them. However, I was also bordering on dissociating and that was not what I wanted for my birthing experience. I wanted to be as present as I could while I made the journey to bring my rainbow baby earthside. I did not want this experience to be overshadowed or tinged by trauma flashbacks. However, I struggled to verbalize where I was at mentally with my support people.
At this point, I asked James to call Jillian because I knew that I was needing additional support. I also knew that she had a window of time to get to us and I really didn’t want to wait and push that window out further. Around this time, I also brought up an epidural for the first time, which is something that I had previously been interested in.
To be clear, my disinterest in the epidural was not because I wanted an unmedicated birth. It was a fear that the epidural wouldn’t work. I’ve had several procedures where I have required more than the normal amount of anesthesia. I even had a failed nerve block, even after explaining my previous anesthesia experience to the team, and that resulted in the need for general anesthesia instead. I didn’t want to count on getting an epidural for pain relief and not having it work. So, my plan had been to go without the epidural so that I didn’t get my hopes up.
However, I was experiencing something I had not expected in labor. My brain was entering a really dark and murky place and with each contraction I felt like I was being removed from my body. I also started having flashbacks. Overall, I was feeling scared and unsafe and out of control. I quickly went through my anxiety and PTSD toolbox and it felt like I was trying to build a mansion with no tools. I felt very supported by James and our nurse, but I also felt a little bit like I was drowning, like I was reaching for things and they were just out of reach.
Upon hearing me bring up an epidural, our nurse suggests that perhaps I try taking a shower. This is something I had noted in our preferences is something I thought would be very helpful. However, I felt like I was pretty much glued to the toilet. Every contraction just made my mind get darker. When I was on the toilet, I was able to hold on to the bars on either side and really kind of just brace myself. I used all my energy trying to block out the mental images that I was going through. And I thought that having more physical sensations might make that more difficult. So, I declined and told her that I wanted to stay where I was at.
After another 30 minutes I told James, “I think I’m going to ask for an epidural.” At this point, I remember James and the nurse saying something like, “Let’s give it another like 30 minutes.” While this might seem like a terrible response, this is what I had asked for when we discussed birth preferences. I had said that if I had asked for something , I wanted to be reminded that I could take a little bit of time before actually making that decision. Again, I agreed with them and continued to wait things out and ride the rollercoaster. As another 20 minutes passed, I realized I felt myself slipping further and further from the situation. Instead of being something that I was participating in, it was something that was happening to me and that was really scary and triggering. I finally said “I want an epidural. This is something that I really want.” The nurse said that she would make the call and put the request in. She came back and said that there were two patients ahead of me, but the anesthesiologist was on the floor and would come in within 60-90 minutes.
While we were waiting for the anesthesiologist to come to my room, the nurses did ask if I would consent to another cervical exam. She reminded me that I could always decline, however it had been more than 12 hours since the last one, I was now having contractions and my water broke (a sign labor was progressing), and it was approaching shift change. I remember wrestling with whether I wanted to consent or not. I knew that it was going to be really uncomfortable and then I was really not in a great mental space. However, I was also personally curious about how dilated I was because, given my knowledge of and experience in supporting birth, I felt like I was nearing transition. This was based solely on the “out of control” feeling. So I consented to the check. I made my way back into the bed, which felt impossible because I had to leave my corner of safety, and James dutifully took his spot at the head of the bed so he could whisper in my ear.
Almost as soon as the exam started, I had to ask the nurse to stop, which she did immediately. She said she thought that I was around 2 1/2 to 3cm but that it was hard to say definitively. I was disheartened to hear that that’s where I was at. Because I thought that I was near transition, I was really expecting to hear something like 6 to 7cm. To hear anything less than 5cm really surprised me. I also started to second guess whether I should get the epidural. I was worried getting the epidural might slow things down. However, I reminded myself that I wasn’t doing it because of the physical aspect of labor. Instead, I was doing it for my mental health and to not re-traumatize myself.
Shortly after 7 o’clock our doula, Jillian, arrived. This was this was about the time the anesthesiologist came in and we were working on consent forms. One of the things that struck me when he came in was that he said, “Oh, a ginger.” Which didn’t instill me with a lot of confidence given my history with anesthesia. He also put off an air of hurriedness, and just general lack of interest in the dynamics of the situation. I also remember feeling like he thought I would make this a difficult procedure and wouldn’t be able to sit still. That's something that's important in order to place an epidural - you have to be able to sit still, in one position, even if you're having a contraction. A good anesthesiologist will work with you to time things out. There's nothing he said that that warranted that thought, and that might've just been my anxiety. However, I have been around a lot of anesthesiologists in my time as both a doula and a patient, and I just generally didn't enjoy his vibe.
I was also grateful that James and Jillian were allowed to stay in the room with me during the epidural placement. If they had had to leave, I would have felt really alone and it would’ve put my mental state into a much worse position. While the epidural was being placed, I remember being proud of myself for being able to sit and stay in a position that would not have been my preferred laboring position. However, I was trying to focus on and hold onto hope that this decision would help me come back to feeling more in control and bring me back into my body. At this point I desperately wanted to be back to feeling like an active participant instead of a victim or bystander.
At 8:17am the anesthesiologist said he was pushing the test dose. I was elated that I felt it, on both sides of my body, and I felt a sense of mental clarity returning. The flashbacks started to fade, I was returning to my body, and was fully present as Victoria in that room.
Once the epidural was placed, it was back to hanging out. James called my mom to update her on where things were at. He also went out to the waiting room to get breakfast from his family. Jillian and I spoke about everything that had happened in the last 48 hours and any concerns I had coming up. James also updated people that “today’s the day!”
Around 9 o’clock I started to feel a little bit different and I felt like baby had moved down a lot. The nurse let us know that Dr. Carson was actually on the floor and that she could come in to do the exam if I was okay waiting for a little bit. Dr. Carson came in and asked how things were going. Then she asked for my consent to do the exam, and I agreed. This time I was able to have James on one side and Jillian on the other side, just being present and helping ground me. While it was not physically uncomfortable, as it had been before, it was still difficult to experience. I was almost immediately transported to the something is happening to me instead of something that I’m participating in mindset. However, it was really quick, and we were shocked to find out that I was 9.5cm dilated (or 10 with a slight lip). I couldn’t believe that in less than three hours I progressed from 2.5 to 9.5cm. The nurse remarked “Your vagina has great energy!” And I had to agree.
We agreed that this would be a great time to get some rest. We knew that delivery was sooner than later now, and this would really be the last time for me to get any sort of rest and relaxation before it came time for pushing. James went out to talk with his family. I decided I was going to take a little bit of a nap while my mom and Jillian sat in the room with me. Not 30 minutes later did I hear this terrible noise. I opened my eyes and I asked my mom and Jillian if they had heard that because I wasn't sure if I was dreaming. But they agreed that they had heard it too. However, just as quickly as it started, it stopped. Again, I tried to close my eyes and lean back. A few minutes later it happened again. Jillian announced she was going to go to the nurses station and ask if they knew what was happening. Whatever it was is loud, and I swore the floor shook. She came back a little bit later to tell us there was construction in the ER which is directly below us. And I remember saying, “Welp, guess I’m not going to take a nap.”
Trying to sleep before being woken up by the construction.
At 10:15am I started to feel more pressure and they did another check, with my consent, and we found that I was fully dilated. Because I wasn’t feeling pushy with the pressure, I could just tell the baby was there, I discussed with them kind of waiting for baby to continue to descend before attempting any pushing and they were on board with that. At this point the nurse made a guess that baby would come in the 1 o’clock hour. We also voiced our guesses on whether Bean would be a boy or a girl. There was some big “girl energy” in the room.
Around 11:15 I decided I wanted to try pushing and see how it felt. So we started some “practice pushing” because Bean still was not fully descended, and I wanted to see if we could make some progress with that. With the support of James and Jillian and my mom and the nurse I was able to try pushing in several different positions and see what it felt best for me and what resulted in baby moving and what baby tolerated best.
Jillian snapped this picture of James and I. We’ve got my “upbeat” birth playlist going at this point.
As a note, I realize I have neglected to mention two things. One is that I was having my blood sugar checked regularly during my hospital stay. Before labor actively started, it was after meals, after labor was active I think it was every four hours, and then once we got to pushing it was hourly. The other thing is that once I got the epidural, I was moving into different positions or laying from side to side, roughly every 20-ish minutes. Both of those things are things just happened in the background and weren’t really of note, which is why I didn’t mention them until now.
After maybe an hour of pushing, Jillian brought up that I had wanted to use a mirror if possible during pushing so that I could see the baby and see how my body was responding to pushing. I am so so grateful she brought this up, because I really think having the mirror and being able to see what was happening when I was pushing and how different things happened depending on what muscles I was consciously using. It is what progressed pushing from “practice” to “Oh now baby is descending.”
Around 1 o’clock we knew that baby was going to be born soon and they called in the necessary extra people or alerted them that delivery would be coming and to be prepared in case baby needed any extra support.
As we reached the final stages of pushing, Dr. Carson asked if I wanted to reach down and feel the baby’s head. And that was so surreal for me and gave me the rush I needed to bring baby out. There was also a point in time where the medical team said, “Oh, this baby has a lot of hair!” Which we suspected from seeing it kind of float around in ultrasounds. And another point where Dr. Carson said, “Well, the hair is delivered!” I was trying more positions because I wanted to see again if something was more helpful in bringing baby earthside. I pushed on my hands and knees. I did a supported squat in the bed. I pushed on my side, and kind of like a side lying position and I pushed on my back. Overall, I really liked being in hands and knees. However, there was a point that I flipped back over to be more on my back to try and get a better tracing on Bean’s heart rate. Once we got that and figured out where baby was, and the baby was really really low, I was in the process of flipping back to hands and knees when we realized the baby was coming “now.” I sort of fell into a side lying position, with my mom and James near my head or supporting my legs. Jillian was able to take some pictures and videos of the birth, which is really special and I look back at very fondly.
While, I'm not one of those moms you can say “Oh, I push the baby out in this x pushes”. I can say that the two-ish hours that I spent actively pushing went by so fast and are a blur. Even with the epidural, pushing is a lot of work, and I remember feeling the same way I did physically as I do when I'm doing a triathlon or swimming in a race.
Finally, after months and months of anxiety, the baby was born at 1:40 PM. James was able to announce the sex by telling me that James was born. Baby immediately came to my chest and James repeated over and over, “It's a boy! It's a boy! It's a boy!” Because of all the extra people in the room and any concerns we had about how baby was doing after being born I was hyper focused on baby. He came out making a lot of noise, but he was not crying. Everyone was intently watching him and trying to get him to cry. Even as he was on my chest we were trying to stimulate him to get him to cry, and it just wasn't happening. He just kind of kept squawking, making noise but wasn’t crying. At this point, they asked if they could bring him to the warmer to check him over and see if he needed any suctioning. I sent James over to the warmer while my mom and Jillian stayed with me and Dr. Carson started to do the necessary repairs to the second-degree tear that I had
Our first picture as a family of three, tear of joy and relief.
Ultimately, they decided that baby was fine, he just wasn’t going to cry for them. They brought him back to me and we resumed skin to skin while Dr. Carson continued my repairs and worked to get my bleeding under control. A few hours after the birth, James told me that I was passing clots the size of Dr. Carson’s arm. I couldn’t really see what was happening, but I do remember thinking several times I was delivering the placenta until she told me I had delivered the placenta and was having a lot of bleeding and clots. While we were skin to skin, we worked to initiate breast-feeding as soon as we were able because of the gestational diabetes. Babies who are born after a gestational diabetes diagnosis often require extra monitoring of their blood sugar as it works to regulate.
James looks on with fascination as Jimmy attempts to stuff his entire fist in his mouth. We made our first nursing attempt immediately after this.